Struggling to stay alive

Struggling to be sublime

Struggling every night and day

Struggling to keep your flesh away

Struggling to keep that smile on your face

Struggling to keep your actions in place

Struggling

Where did your morals go?

When did you decide to go with the flow

Till your actions no longer belonged to you

It’s something else that drives what you do

That makes you take a whiff

A sniff

Take a joint

That makes a point

To disappoint

Struggling

That drink that consumes

That intoxicates your breath with an odorous fume

That makes you forget

And in the morning leaves you with regret

It controls your body till you don’t have a say

Yet leaves so that you’re the only one that pays

Struggling

Take a hit

You are saying you are willing to submit

To your body

Leaving you with an earth like sod

In your hands wrapped in paper

And a burning green vapor

Yet reach that super high

Feeling like you are way up in the sky

Only to find that this is a new time low

Never thinking you would have this go

At being in the concrete basement

With smoke, a bottle, and body bent

Struggling

As vomit rushes up your throat

Is this how you want to gloat?

That what you do is living?

To your dad, mom, sister, brother, friend, husband, and wife it’s unforgiving

Wasting your life away

Every year, month, week, and day

While you breathe and watch your body decay

Struggling

From inside out and all around it shows

That you have a foe

That you continue to meet

Because you just can’t compete

To make that final defeat

So you take that dope

And hope you can cope

You are under control of the power of that needle, that blunt, that drink, that sex, that pipe.

Trying to stay up with the hype

Struggling

Only to find that your mind can’t control you

There is no say to what you do

Struggling to stay on top

Even though you can’t even stop

Struggling

Though no one down here can forgive

There is one above that can make you really live

He can give you power

And help you stand up within the hour

He breaks the bonds

And helps you to respond

In His word He makes you see

Allowing you to be on your knees

And be free

To grow and be who you were meant to be

The room started out white.  Clean, pure, and beautiful.

You came to me and gave me paints, and with gentle eyes you told me lovingly, “careful.”

In this room I placed my family and my friends.  And with my paints I drew magnificent flowers across the walls with vines over the ceiling.  My innocence strewn across the room.  I used bright colors that reflected my actions and portrayed the beauty I saw in You.

As I painted I had the realization of the freedom that I held, I could paint whatever I pleased.

With a confident spirit I started to push You to the corner of the room, deciding that You took too much space.

I searched, and opened my room to the outside and allowed every influence to enter in.

It started small, but I let it stay.  Stating that I won’t let it grow to be anything more than I can’t handle.

But as I touch at the things that are separate from You, I start to believe that adventure lies in its core.   I allowed myself to pick up more substances that electrocuted my body with thrill and gazed at the images that made me hungry for more.

These drugs of choice intoxicated me with pleasure for the moment and numbed the emptiness from when I pushed You away.

I become obsessed.  But I could handle it.

I take my paints and messily start to draw; removing my friends and my family, and lock them outside the room.  I blacken the walls with black.

 I draw a corrupt love that fascinates and entertains.

I draw trees that are dead without fruit.

I draw my face and my name multiple times

Everything I turn to gaze at I change and make it corrupted.  Every beauty is made disgusting by me.

The room takes on a musk that reeks of mold and potent scents from the uncleanness.

But I don’t pay attention, I am clutching to the things I have corrupted my room with, believing fully that without it,  I won’t be me.

In the dark corner of my conscious I see that You are still watching me with sad eyes.  I hear Your voice gently pleading to “Come back to Me my beloved.”

But I stifle Your voice from my ears believing I have found something better to inhabit my mind.

I scream “no, I can handle this.”

Gradually, I stop eating; I live on the images and drugs that consume me.  Sleep disappears from my routine to aid my addiction to my things.

My skin becomes ashen and my eyes sink back into the sockets which they lay. My hands, feet, and body cripple and lose shape.  My face is hollow from the lack of nutrition and I lose all sense of feeling.

When others come to see me I paint a mask of yellowish white to wear on my face and pull a dirty white sheet over my walls to hide what my things have done to my soul.

But my voice cannot conceal the weakness or the strain in its cords, and Your wisdom sees right through the mask and the sheet.

I continue in my mass of sin, painting more vividly dark things on my walls.  The air becomes thick with the perverted false thoughts that cloud my head.

The dark paints smear on me from my uncontrollable shaky hands and my hair is drenched with dirty paint.

The walls start to crack and pieces of cement fall on my wretched body.

But with fear I find that I cannot stop, I am in a cycle of rotation that enslaves me.

I am locked into a cycle of repetition that I have no control of.

I am a captive of this room, my mind, which is holding me as death steadily approaches.

How could I think that my thoughts are worth more than the man I have pushed away?

With eyes of remorse I turn to look up where You are already standing.

Saved by Your arms you protect me from the false haven that is quickly destroying me

When I awake, I made new.  My innocence restored.  The walls around me have been rebuilt and the walls are painted white.

And You stand in the middle.

You look at me and smile in love,

“It is all forgotten my beloved.  Your mind is now clean.”

My days are numbered, and what days have been wasted.   Have I lived to the extent of the possibilities I could have grasped more strongly?   Many days have I have been lazy and did not appreciate the moment I am in.

I may anxiously wait for the next best thing, but fail to realize that when this time of my life passes on, I’m only going to miss it.  I’m going to miss the days where I saw all my friends and how we laughed, cried, and endured every joy and hardship.  These things in a couple of months will be lost forever only to reside in sweet memory.  How many times have I complained and shut my eyes tight towards the blessing I’ve been given.  In a couple of months I can never go back.  The smell of books, the sound of writing on paper, lively classrooms, talking teachers, crowded lunch rooms, young voices, and so much laughter will be gone forever.  No more knowing every face that you pass in the hallway or experiencing the magical spirit during the cold football nights with all your friends.

We have all shared defeats and victories with the friends that we’ve grown with and even known all our lives…. only to be shattered and gone in a year; all of us off in different directions with separate plans in store. 

In three months I won’t be taping in sports medicine, figuring labs for chemistry, laughing in ASB, or applauding in English while reading Hamlet.  It will fade so quickly.    I think of the empty classrooms that will be filled the next coming year with people I don’t know, never again arranged with the same grand people…my friends.  For so many long hours I have spent with these people, how can I possibly leave them so quickly?  My heart loves them.  So much pain wrings in my heart for these moments in this precious time.  All I can think about is how sad it is that this part of my life is ending; these sweet couple of years that I will hold on to forever. 

I feel like my whole life is ending.  Like a large part of who I am about to be demolished.  Something I take so much pride and love in is about to be stolen before I am even ready to let it go.  I have placed my trust in the Lord; and I know that there will be adventures He will give me after this.  But still, I can’t disregard this journey that is coming to a conclusion, this sweet experience that only He could have blessed me with.   This time is so Bittersweet. 

My prayer is that I will learn to take every moment captive and cherish what little I have left. 

And thank the Lord for every second of it.

I have been so blessed.

It’s interesting to see the behavior of your peers. How people don’t acknowledge how their own behavior and actions affects everything. What makes a person think that they have the authority and power to diminish a person’s worth? No one knows where that person is, but you are in no place to apply your anger onto a person. They are seen as valuable and worthy in the sight of the Lord, and no one has the place to lower a person’s standards.

It angers me that people so easily have no respect for each other. Being blatantly rude to another and taking so much pride in it. I love people and want to get to know everyone better, but that seems to vanish towards those that take advantage of the weak.

I guess I need a heart change from the bitterness I hold towards the bullies. How did Jesus love everyone? It’s so easy to minister to the weak and be a friend to them, but how on earth do I be a friend to the seemingly strong? My heart is lacking in this department. I know that they don’t have their life together; you can take one glance at their facebook and twitter pages to establish that. But I can’t see how I can introduce Jesus into their lives when they seem to push and mock anything and anyone that wants to help them.

Maybe I’m just fearful. I haven’t talked to any about Jesus, yet they know I am a Christian. Why am I so fearful of what they think of me? Is it because mockery spreads like wildfire among the popular? I don’t even know how to approach them, without being friends first.

I guess that’s where I’m stuck; I don’t know how to be friends with people that are bonded to others through shallow things. Even if I do, I’m so afraid to invest in them when my mind is saying there’s no way that they would accept Jesus or me. Most of all, I don’t want to be associated with them. Their pride and power to hurt seems in my eyes worthy to deserve any hardship that comes their way.

I’m glad God doesn’t think the same way towards His children. I am just as guilty of the pride I hold and the uncaring heart that possess’ my soul. If He ignored me the way I ignore others, I would be a bigger mess then I already am.

Jesus wants so badly to see every lost and hurting soul experience the love He has for them. I can hear His voice calling me to be a friend to others in a whole new way so that they can see a glimpse of Him in me.

I am in desperate need for a new heart and for God’s Spirit within me. As I write, I can feel my flesh disrupted at the thought of leaving another comfort zone behind me.

I don’t know the proper steps to achieve this but I know it starts with honest prayer to my Lord.

May He change me.

So perfect is Your love for me!
How pure, sweet, and good it is.
Your selfless love is all I need
It fills me with unsurpassable joy.
I am so undeserving of You,
And all that you’ve given me.
My soul is defiled, worn, and ugly
And is no match to a Prince
Of Your glory and holiness.
But like a girl in a fairy tale,
You have made me beautiful,
No shame runs across my face.
You have traded these ashes for beauty.
And I stand among the living.
You loved me first before I ever love you.
For I was and am Your beloved.

While I am a Christian, I have yet to learn how to live as one. I realized that literally every single thing in my surroundings goes back and reflects to God, and with that I realized that if I want to be a radical Christian, I won’t just focus on keeping Him in the Christian community…but in every area of profession I see and do. I believe there is a necessity for this. One example would be I see a need to have an understanding of the political world around me. Now originally, I have not had any motivation to be inspired by politics until I realized that I could vote next year, that my voice counted. Then I got worried, what does God want for America? What is right? What is not godly? What would be best to represent the nation that was founded by Christians? These questions worried and plagued my thoughts. I want to stand for what’s right and what I know is of God.

So I’m on a pursuit. I want to gather every possible bit of information I can, between Christians, non-Christians, democrats, republicans, Christian democrats, Christian republicans, natives, and non-natives…. I want to hear from anyone that has an opinion, about everything. I want to receive their views without a resentful and bias mind and compare it with God’s word. I want to pray about it and receive insight and wisdom. This completely enthralls me to learn.

This is the same with every subject, with history I want to see the continual cycle of how people have messed up and how God has aided them. I want to learn of people in history that gave their lives to Christ and lived radically. I want to learn of the infamous and see where their hearts were at. I want to learn from leaders of the past that have influenced and produced growth in this nation.

With science I want to learn more about how miraculous God’s creation is. Through the complexity of chemistry, how ridiculously amazing our bodies are put together, and how big the unknown of our universe is. I want to be able to point at the details of the world and show how it is awesomely created. God’s fingerprints are everywhere.

With music, I want to learn the art of this gift that is so vast and pleasing that He has blessed us with. I cannot get over how huge the power of emotion and creativity that is mixed into a talent that can be felt by anyone, and is a powerful tool of worship.

His Word, I want to know. Through reading about Him and going even deeper in my relationship with Him, I hope to be like minded with wisdom.

Knowledge, wisdom, and discernment. With knowledge I wish to know my facts. With wisdom, I hope to receive the insight to see the possibilities to use it. And with discernment I pray that I will be able to see God’s light in it. I hunger and strive for these things. I want to see everything around me and have a thorough understanding of it all, so that God can be glorified through simply knowing, living, and sharing.

Bind this wandering soul’s to Yours oh God,

For I fall in lust with many,

I seek the things that hold no happiness

Only to find that they don’t hold any

I’m insane, since I continually look in the same thing each time

When I know that You are the answer.

You are the strength when I have none

It cannot be compared to my own.

When I rely on myself, I am done.

I can’t do this on my own.

Your power and peace gives an unearthly strength

I need not another thing

Even when I simply pray,

I feel Your presence near

No longer am I balancing on a weak and feeble string

But instead I’m stable with Your love, and not from my own fear.

The cuts hurt deeply, and they are my own

I used the blade to cut them

Often they ache and burn even through the night

My past and present cannot change them

But slowly, with You are they healing, their scars are getting lighter

Only in Your company,

Do I receive this perfect care.

The things that distract me slowly fade,

The more I live as the given place as heir.

To know that You are always at my aid

Both now and when I ‘m finished.

You are joy that is much greater than any earthly object.

No longer am I a weak worldly collector,

But a broken vessel that’s continually being made stronger

Through the love of the Great Protector.

Is nothing mine?

My friends,

My passions,

My plans,

My life?

It seems to be all gone.

What used to be mine?

Passed before dawn.

Others have easily taken my place.

And now what do I have to chase?

I have nothing that I long to grasp.

My joys all bound with in a clasp,

Is quickly releasing and losing shape

Now all I want to do is escape

And have nothing to do with what once was mine.

But was it really mine?

Perhaps I need to redefine.

These things don’t actually belong to me

It never was, and never will be.

These things don’t last.

They will always pass.

Life is deeper than this all.

His plans outdo my every fall

Because when I get too bound in my own life,

All I deal with is more strife

My flesh wants to make my home right here

From doubts, and pain, and mostly fear

But I no longer belong to this world’s core

My life belongs to something more.

I was bought at a price.

Now He is all I need to suffice.

It means so much more, to live from His grace

Instead of running at my own pace

It’s not all about me.

It’s all about Him.

My life is not mine.

My life is now His.

The days are quiet and remorseful, and they steadily grow darker and shorter. There’s no hope. Not a hint of a memory that something once was alive, fresh, and warm existed before this misery. All that is seen is the skeleton of unfruitfulness, and no one approaches it because there is nothing there to dwell in.

The wind runs among the grasping lonely branches, then howls in aching anguish when it doesn’t feel the soothing rustle of leaves.

What happened to the days when summer existed? Where one felt so close to the sun? What happened to the bliss of swimming in the unending waters? Where are the comforting sounds of the birds singing? And the crickets performing the instruments in the still of the night?

Missed are the clear skies with billions of stars that’s mystery could only be wondered, and the sunrises and sunsets that could be seen day after day without getting old.

The place where there was never the problems of having a chapped lips and hands; and a sore throat that kept me from uttering words of praise?

Long gone. A dream within a dream.

Now I stand running in the cold and the wet, searching for the warmth that is lost. As I search I see that everything is under dust, dirt and mud. I sit onto it and dig my hands into it looking for the sweet soil and grass of summer. I smear it on my arms, legs, and face, for I don’t know where to put it. I become caked in mud. The only living things I see around are the rats and creatures that eat the dead. And I live among them.

Day after day the season gets colder and darker. The clouds grow dark, and provides no sunlight. The darkness overshadows faster as we lay in deep sleep.

And one day when we awake… a hope, a joy, a surprise.

Silent, peaceful, calming snow.

Each snowflake melts upon my skin and clears a spot of dirt. I sit engulfed in the snow, feeling once again clean though the cold misery still lies beneath the crystal water. But for now it is not seen or heard. The snow cleanses the dirt and mud and reflects the light as the sky clears and the sun is revealed after months of not being seen. The sun’s distance is further from how far I’ve gone, but my thrill remains the same. My gratefulness is greater in its sight.

It never left, it was always there, even beneath the clouds. Sweet summer existed. I was too busy looking down searching for the mark it leaves on the ground, instead of the brilliant source that never leaves.

Rejuvenated and refreshed, I am ready again to face the cold with reassurance that though it is winter….summer will come again.

Frustrating that this has happened times before

For when and how will this silly child ever learn,

To take these matters in her hands no more

And instead leave them for her Father to discern

Her bitterness grows

And her jealously rages

Must she really decompose?

She must submit and place these feelings in a cage

And give them up, so she can once again stand brave

Hindered, oh, she is so hindered.

Some growth is really what she craves

She really hates to be delayed

Oh Lord, please aid her with this struggle

She’s lost within her desperate juggle

Between subconsciously choosing people

And investing in them over You.

And even though this moment is not the best

She thanks you for refocusing her eyes back on the path

For now she realizes that since the moment she made you less,

This girl has never felt lonelier, and that’s a fact

She has nothing without You.

She is nothing without You.

And when that person that she has left You for…leaves her to burn

Behold, You are there waiting, for her return.

“No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life; as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

- Joshua 1:5